Guinness World Records' Top 50 Game Characters: A Rebuttal

Here's Guinness' list and my thoughts on it:

• 1. Mario (Donkey Kong, Nintendo, 1981)
• Mario really isn't much of a character. He's just bland. Luigi has more personality!
• 2. Link (The Legend of Zelda, Nintendo, 1986)
• A Silent Protagonist does not an interesting character make.
• 3. Master Chief (Halo: Combat Evolved, Microsoft, 2001)
• No. Just no. My deep-seated hatred of all things Halo is well-known, but Master Chief? Come on! He's just a boring Mary Sue.
• 4. Solid Snake (Metal Gear, Konami, 1987)
• Snake really does deserve a spot on the list. Very true.
• 5. Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII, Square, 1997)
• Out of all the characters in  Final Fantasy VII, Cloud is actually the least interesting. Hell, any given character in VI was more fun!
• 6. PAC-Man (PAC-Man, Namco, 1980)
• Does Pac-Man really count as a character? He's just a ball with a mouth.
• 7. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider, Eidos 1996)
• Gaming's first sex symbol. While she isn't very deep, she does deserve props for being so influential.
• 8. Gordon Freeman (Half-Life, Valve, 1998)
• Gordon doesn't count as a character. He never says one. Single. Word. Throughout the series! Alyx, Barney, or even D.O.G. should have been here.
• 9. Kratos (God of War, Sony, 2005)
• Kratos was very well-defined in the first God of War, but the sequels pretty much erased all his character development, so I'm not sure he should be here.
• 10. Sonic (Sonic the Hedgehog, Sega, 1990)
• Considering that i like the character more than his games, I have to agree with this one.
• 11. Crash (Crash Bandicoot, Sony, 1996)
• Seriously? Do I even need to say how ridiculous this is?
• 12. “Soap” MacTavish (Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, Activision, 2007)
• I could never get into Modern Warfare, so I don't know much of the character.
• 13. Nico Bellic (Grand Theft Auto IV, Rockstar, 2008)
• See my comments on MacTavish above.
• 14. Samus Aran (Metroid, Nintendo 1986)
• Samus really should have been higher up on the list. While we are all still hurting from Other M's brutal desecration of her image, she remains one of gaming's leading ladies.
• 15. Ratchet (Ratchet & Clank, Sony, 2002)
• I cannot voice my support for Ratchet enough. God was this guy fun.
• 16. Nathan Drake (Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune, Sony, 2007)
• Honestly, I think Nathan should be in the top 5 or so. I've never actually played Uncharted but even I know that Nathan has more personality than almost every other game protagonist ever made.
• 17. Captain Price (Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, Activision, 2007)
• See my comments on MacTavish above. Again.
• 18. Kirby (Kirby’s Dream Land, Nintendo, 1992)
• Kirby has no personality!
• 19. Marcus Fenix (Gears of War, Microsoft, 2006)
• Once more, see my comment on MacTavish above.
• 20. Pikachu (Pokemon Red/Green, Nintendo 1996)
• Uh, no. I like you, Pikachu. I love you, little guy. But you're not much of a character. Sorry, buddy.
• 21. Yoshi (Super Mario World, Nintendo, 1990)
• What can be said about Yoshi's character? "He eats people." And that's about it. He doesn't belong here.
• 22. “CJ” Johnson (Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, Rockstar, 2004)
• Again, see my comments above on MacTav... f*ck it. You know the drill.
• 23. Mega Man (Mega Man, Capcom, 1987)
• Yeah. Every incarnation has had a unique personality. From the kindhearted classic Mega Man, to the reluctant hero X, to the antisocial Star Force Mega Man, he's always been a beloved icon.
• 24. Sam Fisher (Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell, Ubisoft, 2002)
•  Another game I never played.
• 25. Shadow (Sonic Adventure 2, Sega, 2001)
• I never had much love for Shadow.
• 26. Jak (Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy, Sony, 2001)
• While he was bland in the original Jak & Daxter, he became one bad-ass dude come Jak II, and has remained a memorable character ever since.
• 27. Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem, Apogee, 1991)
• One-dimensional, yes. But he has a lot of personality.
• 28. Dante (Devil May Cry, Bandai, 2003)
• Kind of like Duke Nukem, but add a bit more depth.
• 29. Naruto (Naruto: Konoha Ninpoch, Bandai, 2003)
• Anime characters do. Not. Count.
• 30. Altair (Assassin’s Creed, Ubisoft, 2007)
• I wholeheartedly agree.
• 31. Zelda (The Legend of Zelda, Nintendo, 1986)
• While she's got more character than Link, she's still usually bland.
• 32. Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII, Square, 1997)
• Er, no. Kefka was a much better villain. As was Garland. Sephiroth is the same generic bad guy we've seen time and again.
• 33. Donkey Kong (Donkey Kong, Nintendo, 1981)
• Yet another mostly-character-less character.
• 34. The Prince (Prince of Persia, Broderbund, 1989)
• The Prince really should be near the top, as anyone who's played The Sands of Time will tell you.
• 35. Ezio (Assassin’s Creed II, Ubisoft, 2009)
• Why is he below Altair? Love you, Altair, but Ezio was much more interesting.
• 36. Leon S (Biohazard/ Resident Evil, Capcom, 1996)
• It's "Leon S Kennedy." And he's from Resident Evil 2. But I can't disagree with him being here.
• 37. Ash Ketchum (Pokemon Red/Green, Nintendo, 1996)
• Ash isn't even in any of the games, just in the anime. Do they maybe mean Red? Even he was just a silent avatar for the player.
• 38. Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret of Monkey Island, LucasArts, 1990)
• Oh yes.
• 39. Spyro (Spyro the Dragon, Universal, 1998)
• Agreed.
• 40. “Ghost” Riley (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II, Activision, 2009)
• Um, no. Hailing from Modern Warfare II's insane clusterf*ck of a worthless plot automatically disqualifies one from being a decent character. Sorry.
• 41. Goku (Dragon Daihikyoe, Epoch, 1987)
• See the entry on Naruto above.
• 42. Max Payne (Max Payne, Rockstar, 2001)
• Would you believe I've never played this one either?
• 43. Jill Valentine (Biohazard/ Resident Evil, Capcom, 1996)
• Personally, I found Barry "Jill Sandwich" Burton to be more memorable.
• 44. Princess Peach (Super Mario Bros., Nintendo, 1985)
• Peach has literally no personality aside from being kidnapped. She's more a plot device than a character.
• 45. Larry Laffer (Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards, Sierra, 1987)
• Interestingly enough, the entire motivation for everything Larry does in his games is the desire to get laid. No joke. At least he's interesting.
• 46. Augustus Cole (Gears of War, Microsoft, 2006)
• Still haven't played Gears.
• 47. Bowser (Super Mario Bros., Nintendo, 1985)
• Well, well, well. One of the most inconsistent characters ever. Sorry, Bowser, but if you're going to waver between "grave threat" and "minor annoyance," you're not a good villain.
• 48. Eddie Riggs (Brutal Legend, EA, 2009)
• He was written by Tim Schafer and  voiced by Jack Black. What's not to love?
• 49. Ryu (Street Fighter, Capcom, 1987)
• Who the heck plays fighting games for the story?
• 50. Sackboy (LIttleBigPlanet, Sony, 2008) 
• Hey! It's another silent player avatar! In this case, he's literally a blank slate.

Good lord, man. It's like they didn't even care! No Companion Cube (Portal), no Andrew Ryan (BioShock), no Wander (Shadow of the Colossus), no Neeshka (Neverwinter Nights 2), not one character from the Ace Attorney series...
I need to lie down.

--Kotaro